Selling your car is easy right?
Surely you didn’t think that selling your own car was going to be a walk in the park. Somewhere in the back of your mind, behind the fantasy of a stranger handing over a fistful of cash for your tired 2014 diesel hatchback, there was a small, quiet voice whispering “this is going to be a disaster.” That very voice is was correct.
Photo time
Grab that phone and go get some snaps to upload for the ad, and you discover that your car looks like a beige appliance that you’ve been storing in a ditch behind the house. Forty five minutes later and the car is repositioned with the wheels bins out of the shot, the dog poo safely picked up and the shots still look like evidence for the insurance assessor. Ah shur it’ll do at this stage, just post them.
Writing an ad can be difficult
Starting with “one careful owner” means nothing, mostly because you aren’t careful, you once reversed into your own wall twice in one week. “Full service history” meaning you have three receipts and a vague memory of a lad in overalls somewhere in Naas. The old chestnut of “selling due to upgrade” which usually means that it failed the NCT and I’m not fixing it or the boot lid that won’t open.
Slap it on marketplace because that’s where Irish cars go to be stared at suspiciously by men in Portlaoise.
The Enquiries are flooding in
Within twenty minutes, you receive fourteen messages. Twelve are from people asking “is this still available?” who then vanish permanently when you confirm that yes, it is still available. One is from a lad in Galway who wants you to ship it to him at your cost. The fourteenth is Barry.
Barry is the cornerstone of the Irish private car market. Barry will offer you €800 below your asking price before he’s even seen the car. Barry has “a mate who’s a mechanic” and will bring him along. Barry’s mate will crouch beside every tyre making noises that suggest he has discovered structural failures on the underside that are unknown to engineering science. Barry will then offer you €1,200 below your asking price.
The Test Drive
You’ll allow a stranger — a complete stranger — to drive your car. You will sit in the passenger seat of your own vehicle trying to look relaxed while a man you met eleven minutes ago accelerates aggressively toward a roundabout. He will ask you questions about the cambelt timing while doing this.
The Payment
Cash is king, except when someone turns up with an envelope that takes twenty minutes to count and is somehow still €200 short. Bank transfer is safer, except it “hasn’t come through yet” and they need the keys now.
The Finale
Eventually, after three weeks, seven Kevins, two no-shows, and one genuinely lovely couple who offered the full asking price and then bought something else, you’ll sell it. For less than you wanted. To someone who will immediately list it on DoneDeal for €500 more.
But at least it’s gone. The driveway looks great apart from the oil stain.
